You may have heard someone say the only people who get upset about your boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any.
Setting boundaries is important in any kind of relationship — with friends, romantic partners, co-workers and even with your kids.
A boundary isn’t about controlling someone else, said KC Davis, a therapist and author of the book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen or End Any Relationship.” It’s about setting up rules for your own behavior.
“Boundaries aren’t about trying to change someone else,” she said. “They’re about recognizing what we have agency over and making choices with that.”
4 questions with KC Davis
What is a boundary?
“I say that a boundary is understanding where your responsibilities end and when someone else’s begin. And when we talk about setting a boundary, it can get a little confusing. So I like to just think about boundaries as already being there and we’re just recognizing them.”
Why do people have a hard time setting boundaries?
“First of all, we want people to like us, obviously. And it can feel like we don’t want to cause anyone else to have distressing feelings. So we think, ‘Well, what if they’re embarrassed for asking me? Or what if they think I don’t like them? What if they don’t like me? What if they’re angry with me?’
“And again, that’s where we come back to boundaries, because what’s my responsibility? What are my feelings about this? And at the end of the day, their opinion on what a good friend I am is not my responsibility to manage. It’s just my responsibility to be a good friend according to my values.”
What happens if the person you set a boundary with gets upset?
“I think it depends on what you mean by they get upset, because if someone’s getting upset in a way that is putting your safety at risk, well, that’s a whole different reaction than just someone is going to have some feelings for a day or so.
“A lot of times when somebody is upset with us, our body actually sort of interprets that as danger. And so we have to really clue in with ourselves and go, ‘OK, am I actually in danger? Do I really actually need to do something right now? Or am I just feeling the fight-or-flight response because someone that I care about is upset with me?’
“Sometimes there’s nothing you need to do. They just get to have their feelings, and then they get to take care of their feelings. And you move on.”
Why do setting boundaries help strengthen your relationships?
“Just like any relationship, being honest with each other, being authentic, but also the amount of resentment that builds up when we’re not being clear about our boundaries can absolutely torpedo a relationship.”
This interview was edited for clarity.
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Samantha Raphelson produced and edited this segment for broadcast with Catherine Welch. Raphelson also produced it for the web.
This article was originally published on WBUR.org.
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