EMILY KWONG, HOST:
Studies show that Valentine's Day can actually be a breeding ground for conflict. So if you're in a spot with your sweetheart, how do you repair the damage? Life Kit's Andee Tagle has some expert advice.
ANDEE TAGLE, HOST:
So you insulted his cooking. You didn't respond to her texts. You totally embarrassed her in front of her friends, and you forgot to pick up the toothpaste again.
BAYA VOCE: Rupture conflict - it's going to happen in relationships, no matter what. We cannot avoid it.
TAGLE: Baya Voce is a couple's counselor based in Austin, Texas. Her specialty is helping people in relationships deal with the aftermath of a fight, what she calls the art of repair.
VOCE: Repair, to me, is the single most important ingredient in what actually develops into healthy, long-term, secure, functioning relationships.
TAGLE: Voce defines repair as a necessary mending process that supports whoever got hurt so that you can both find resolution and come back together.
VOCE: Repair might look like physical touch, and that's all you need. I might need you to own a piece of what happened, and then I might really need to see behavior change. Some people seeing behavior change isn't actually as important as the apology upfront. So repair can look really different for many people.
TAGLE: That said, Voce does have a basic framework for repair that she'll often use as a starting point for clients. First up...
TAGLE: Do nothing.
TAGLE: Well, not exactly nothing at all. But nothing with your partner in that moment to fix the fight. When you feel yourself getting worked up, stonewalling, closing your heart, that's your cue to stop. And instead...
VOCE: You phone a friend. You go on a walk. You take a bath. You're regulating yourself. You don't come back into connection with your partner until you're ready to see someone else's perspective.
TAGLE: Once you've both gotten there...
VOCE: This is the most important one that most people miss - is one person goes at a time.
TAGLE: As in one person shares their whole perspective, and the other person just listens. Because too often, she says, both parties just need to be right, need to be heard, and so no one's actually listening. And that's kind of like if one partner walked up to a customer service window and was like...
VOCE: Hey, I have a broken microwave. Can you fix it? And then the person says, well, I have a broken toaster. Can you fix this? That's not how it works. You go to the customer service window and say, hey, I have a broken microwave, and the customer service person says, OK, great. Let me help you fix that. If both of you are doing it at the same time, it's a total mess. It doesn't work.
TAGLE: So one person goes at a time. The hurt partner should get to share their feelings first. And if both sides are hurt, agree to take turns upfront. Next, when it's your turn to share...
VOCE: Your only job right now is to not be a jerk.
TAGLE: Because there's a big difference between, say, I can never trust you to plan anything, and I feel let down because you wanted to leave late for the airport, and now we've lost a day of vacation. Voce says being respectful with your language makes curiosity and empathy easier. So you don't necessarily have to agree with the other perspective, but you should try to understand where they're coming from. And hopefully, by the end of that conversation or series of conversations, you've found your way back to some warm, fuzzy feelings - a thawing out, reconnection. But remember, says Voce, relationship repair is a muscle.
VOCE: It takes practice, and it takes the ability to stay with the tension long enough for your partner to soften.
TAGLE: For NPR's Life Kit, I'm Andee Tagle.
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KWONG: For more relationship advice, check out npr.org/lifekit. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
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